Ingigo Insight

Greetings!!

I am hoping this weekend served as the needed rest that I was in dire need of. I wanted to explain a little at my online absence and lack of posts as of late. As I mentioned in an earlier blog I had received a letter from my mother that was...less than pleasant.

Unfortunately my parents and I have battled for quite some time. Without going into too much detail, the biological family I was born into has been plagued with much trauma and unhealthiness (emotional, mental and physical) over the years. This has deeply affected my relationship with my parents, and when I left the religion I was raised with, to which they are forever faithful and loyal to, it served as a crushing blow to our already weak relationship.

Despite my efforts over the years to maintain contact and some kind of correspondence, after a recent visit to my house, my mother has since cut everything off other than in cases of emergencies. For me, this, in addition to some statements made comparing me to a very abusive person, has proven to be the straw that broke the camels back.

Over a year ago a therapist I was seeing at the time had recommended that I terminate my relationship, entirely, with my parents. For the past year I have tried to find an alternative.

However I have now come to the realization that I must move on and unfortunately that will in fact equal a permanent disassociation with my parental units. I have expunged so much energy and love in attempts to be a family, and time and again have been met with the same response, "We love you, but must remain loyal to Jehovah."

Because of how I live my life, as in not devoting it to serving Jehovah (their god) nor living by his standards (I do not live by the bible in my life actions, I do not wait until marriage to have relations, along with many small and miscellaneous items) they follow the counsel of their religion, as shown in the bible, and refuse to associate with me.

October 30, 2008 will mark six years since I left their religion, their god and their terms of "right" and "wrong." All this time I've had the fantasy in the back of my mind that one day, for the first time really, we could actually be a family. In fact for much of the time I thought to myself that their distancing from me was something a result of something I had been doing, something wrong with me, hence causing them to shun me.

Finally I have come to the conviction that no matter what the consequence was, whether it was life in prison, the death penalty, sudden death at the hand of god, or even an eternity in a Catholic hell fire rubbing shoulders with the worst of humanity...there simply is nothing that would come between nor somehow stop me from being there with and for my child. A child is not only such an immense privilege but also my co-creation. Literally a part of me. An entire self choosing, independent person, who came from you, can choose for themselves yet still craves your love, attention and approval as a parent. It truly is a magnificent relationship.

So I have decided that in all things considered, the bottom line is I deserve better. And my constant seeking of approval and affection from two people that choose their faith over their son is simply and literally not worth the energy I've been putting into it.

I do not judge their decision. That is truly their own free will to do with as they choose. Just as it is my own free will to choose not to be a part of their decision anymore. All this time I have been letting myself feel this hurt over their personal choices.

Now with my spiritual path very much coming to an abundant life and fruition, I truly don't have that energy to spare on them anymore. There are plenty of people here on this beautiful Earth that are happy and inviting of the love and energy I have to give...and I can assure you giving to such ones is far more fulfilling for me.

I have therefore drafted a letter that I will be sending to my parents (no siblings as I am an only child) explaining all of this to them. The writing of this letter along with all the internal feelings and thoughts has SEVERELY depleted my energy.

I have been so weak I haven't been able to do any energy work or practice, my meditation techniques have been much less effective than usual. However I got some much deserved and much needed rest this weekend, as well as much encouragement from other old souls from times past, in sleep, that truly has given me the push I needed to get back on track.

I look forward to upcoming posts and the discussions they will bring with them.

Much love to all!

feenx